The Quasi-Patriotic Daddy

I suppose it's obligatory that bloggers say something to commemorate Independence Day, so here goes.

The trouble is that I'm not very patriotic these days. I oppose our wars, think our lifestyle is wasteful, and am truly frightened by our lack of certain basic civic values. What's a blogger to do?

I suppose I can at least thank America for the freedom to be a SAHD. For one, our society is progressive enough to let women have successful careers. We also have an economic system that is flexible and fluid enough for my wife and I to do what is in the best interests of our child. And we have the longstanding spirit of defying social convention.

True, none of the above is uniquely American. If anything, America is behind the rest of the modern world in furthering the SAHD agenda (parental leave, father's rights, etc). Let's just say I'm thankful that America is at least competitive in this regard, even if we're not quite Sweden, Japan, Canada, etc.

So happy birthday America - and continue making progress.

Todd, why not????

Now that good old Sarah Palin is on the cover of last week's Newsweek, this is once again topical.

Am I the only one who's ever wondered why Todd Palin is not a stay-at-home dad? And am I the only bothered by the fact that he's not?

Think about it. Mommy is a politician, arguably a contender (implies Newsweek) for leader of the Free World (yikes!). Her political weight (says Newsweek) stems from her role as champion of conservative family values, both in her private and public life.

Um, who's taking care of the kids? A nanny of course, if the political gossip pages are to be believed. Which raises three issues: 1) How in the heck do you connect with soccer mom voters who can't afford nannies? 2) If you were to ditch the nanny and walk the talk, how in the heck do you stay abreast of public policy? 3) What the heck is daddy doing if mommy is out running for President?

Not as if it would ever earn Sarah Palin my vote, but Todd Palin could really do me a favor and become a SAHD role model.

Once again, for mommies only...

Today I experienced a blip of embarrassment that only a SAHD could experience. Again.

There I was, the only daddy at the public library's baby-and-me weekly play group. Everyone was packing up to leave when someone said "see you tomorrow. I asked what "tomorrow" was and got the reply "our mommies' group". I politely said "oh" and then went back to the conversation I was having.

No big deal, really. Sure, I was disappointed, but far be it from me to barge in on a women's group. Sure enough, I soon overheard talk about antibiotics affecting milk supply and knew that this time "mommy group" REALLY meant "women only."

But here's where I get bent out of shape. The last time I was told "mommies only" was for a meetup.com club that advertised all kinds of neat stuff for babies to do with their caretaker. By the looks of it, the "mommy only" aspect of it was incidental. By not allowing me to join, my kid missed out.

Bottom line: if you say your group is for babies, please include daddies. Otherwise, please specify it's a group that focuses on women's issues. Don't disadvantage my child.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, CMC statisticians!

Well slap my butt and call me Shirley! I'm posting about daddy stuff again :) That didn't take long.

I just updated my profile with my college alma mater to show my "industry" listing as "stay at home/parenting." With pride, I might add. I was reminded to do so by a survey I received from CMC. The survey was trying to measure earning potential as a product of whether CMC alumni were active in sports.

Ahem.

For the love of Pete, CMC - can't you think about anything else??? What else do you expect from a college whose Latin motto (crescit cum commercio civitas) can literally be translated as "money makes the world go round"? Those who know CMC know what I'm talking about. Those who know me know why I haven't been too enamored with CMC these past few years.

I checked the CMC alumni directory and found four other male CMC alums who list their "industry" as stay-at-home/parenting. I sense a network in the making.

So now what?

Oh dear. It's been almost two months since I last posted. This post probably should be just as much about my blogging mojo as it is about my stay-at-home daddy mojo - but who would want to read that. Too much neurosis all at once, thank you very much. I'll tray to stay specific to stay-at-home fatherhood.

Maybe being a SAHD (as opposed to a 'SAHM') so far just hasn't been too profound. Otherwise I would have written more posts. I could blog about being a stay-at-home parent in general, but that's not very unique. Ditto for blogs about parenting in general or about how wonderful my own child is.

Don't get me wrong: I absolutely LOVE being a daddy, stay-at-home or otherwise. Maybe staying home with baby is part of my own "daddy narative", but it's so far been hard to blog about. Would it be easier to just blog about life in general - and would that be worth reading? What do you think, dear readers?

[Cue the tumbleweeds....]

In the care of strangers

Today I dropped Liam off at the child care center at my gym while I exercised. It was the first time I'd left him in the care of strangers, and strangers for pay no less. I think I felt the anxiety that is typical for new parents, but went through with it nonetheless.

Milestone passed.

Liam was making happy sounds when I returned at the end of my workout.
Two observations on child care. First, I learned that children under two years old count the same as three older children in determining the proper level of day care supervision. I gladly patted myself on the back for bearing three times the normal parental burden. Which makes me wonder - isn't parenting supposed to get harder as they get older? That's mostly what people have been telling me, but today's experience suggests that's backwards.

Second, I will now have empirical evidence on how my child does in the care of paid babysitters (?) versus in my own care. Ideally, a child would be better-adjusted with a little bit of both, no? The child care attendant (what else do I call them?) said that he did fine but didn't like being left by himself. Note to self: Baby may be hard-wired to be social or may just get bored easily if he doesn't have his own toys. Look into that, self.

My first discrimination!

I just received notice that a locally-based parent/child play group "declined" my request to join. Turns out I don't have the right number of ovaries, one too many Y-chromosomes, or other snarky ways to say "no dudes." Moms only. :(

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. No surprise, I guess.

Or maybe I'll just post the mildly condescending message I just received from the group organizer:
"Tom, Thank you for your interest in our group. Unfortunately, as of right now we are a group that is designed for moms. I hope that you are able to find a group that is designed for stay at home dads. Here is a group that is for both parents. http://www.meetup.com/Rocklin-Couples-with-kids-group/ I hope you are able to find a group that is a right fit for you. I would also suggest that maybe you could look into starting your own group for dads! That would be awesome. Let me know if you have any other questions. Thanks again!"

Editor's note: mapquest.com says that it's 34.9 miles from Elk Grove to Rocklin, which is where I'd apparently have to drive to find the nearest meetup.com play group that allows dads. What gets me is the notion that I'd find that idea even remotely acceptable. Classic brush-off.

Topping it off is the classic passive-aggressive, mushy, passive voice ("I would also suggest that maybe you could.....that would be awesome") suggesting I start my own group. As if it were that easy.

OK, rant over. Time to be constructive. First question - how motivated am I to start my own meetup.com group for stay-at-home dads? Second question - do I allow chicks to join?

Moonbeam we need you!

So Jerry Brown is now officially in the Governor's race. Thank goodness.

Yes, they say that the Jerry Brown of 2010 is not the Jerry Brown of 1974. But let's hope that at least some of the eccentricity and unabashed liberalism remains. For the health of public discourse in the Golden State, we certainly could use it.

Given how screwed up California government is, we could sure use an eccentric's approach to our problems. Certainly couldn't be any worse than how things are already being run.

And we certainly could use a candidate who doesn't shy away from the L-word. Love him or hate him, Jerry Brown has plenty more spine than most Democrats these days. It's only with firm commitment to principles that the Democrats will be able to defeat yet another multi-millionaire Republican who thinks they can buy the Governorship.

Contrary to what Whitman or Poizner may tell you, government does not, can not, and should not be run like a corporation. We've wasted enough time already trying to make it that way. Hopefully, Jerry Brown will do something to change that.

Run, Jerry! Run!

It was vaguely like skydiving....

OK, here's the score for my first week being a stay-at-home dad (henceforth to be called just SAHD).

First of all, my situation is probably not typical. For the next three months, my wife works only four days a week - with one of those days spent telecommuting. Whatever baptism by fire I had was in reality only 60% of a whole baptism. More on the uniqueness of my situation later.

Second, there was a lot of depression. There is something about being a man in this society and needing to have a job to feel that you belong. Yes, I know, parenting is a job. I mean a "job" job. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there was a kind of "oh, shit!" factor associated with simply knowing that today there wouldn't be a "real" boss to report to - just a tiny 12-pound boss who poops a lot. I love the little guy, but staying home with him was a move with a lot of buildup and expectation followed by an almost instantaneous resolution - classic building blocks of depression.

It was vaguely like the time I tried skydiving 10 years ago. The real tough part wasn't in getting up the nerve to do it. It was the trauma I felt upon realizing that I'd actually gone through with something so drastic. It haunted me days after I landed. Maybe more on that later too.

The most important lesson I'll take into Week 2 concerns the importance of incorporating structure. Those like me that battle with depression already know this. For the first SAHD week, I learned a lot about my present difficulties in establishing structure. In the hopes that other SAHD's will eventually read this, here is some advice from Week 1:

1. Don't expect to hit the ground running. (Pardon the skydiving reference...) Baby is no worse off because I couldn't get inspired or organize my time better this week. His basic needs were met, so my work was done.

2. If you need structure and fear boredom, schedule appointments out of the house - regardless of what they are.

3. Cook dinner. Stirring a pot with one arm while holding Baby with the other is the ultimate in multitasking. More enjoyable than what any boss would require.

Here's to happy landings for Week 2.

Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough - and goshdarnit, I have interesting things to blog about!

Two leaps of faith have been made.

First, I became a stay-at-home dad last week. Second, I stopped being so neurotic and actually started this blog. Presumably, the first leap will be interesting to blog about.

I'll introduce myself later. Thanks for reading.